A prayer for every. single. day…

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T.

OK, I’ve got to be honest here. I get a lot of grief and questions about being single and living alone. Questions and concerns range from things like, “Why are you still single? What’s wrong?” and “Don’t worry, sweetie, you’ll find someone.” to “Are you sure you’re OK living alone? Don’t you get bored or lonely?” and “Don’t you worry about being safe?”

Let’s tackle some of these head on.

Yes, I’m still single and there’s nothing wrong with me. I have standards, and I don’t think that I should settle for anything less than I want and deserve simply to have someone to call my boyfriend (or husband). I’m OK with waiting, and dating some of the wrong guys, to find the right one. While we’re on that subject… yes, I still believe that there’s a “right guy” out there for me. I know he’s not going to be perfect — I’m not either. But I’m also a firm believer in things happening for a reason, and when the time is right, so I hold on to the hope that he’s out there somewhere, and that our paths will cross when the time is right. In the meantime, I’m going to keep reminding people that there’s not a single damn thing wrong with me because I’m still single at 27. This also — at least, in part, addresses the comments and concerns about me “not being worried” about finding someone — more on that in a later post, so stay tuned. 🙂

Now, to the living alone…

At first, living alone was hard. It was something I hadn’t ever really done before (aside from a very short stint that I was forced into — again, another post for another time). This time, living alone was entirely MY CHOICE. And guess what? I love it! I have my space, to do what I want, when I want and I don’t have to worry about interfering with others schedules or space. Don’t get me wrong, I also LOVED living with roommates (especially my Royal Oak ladies), and there’s certainly pros and cons to each situation. Here’s the thing: at this point in my life, this living situation was the one that made the most sense for me, and felt right. Please, concerned citizens, stop questioning MY life choices and worrying about the state of my well-being.
I PROMISE, there are much bigger issues that we should all be focused on (the new state of our healthcare system, or rates of human trafficking around the globe, for example?)

Here’s the thing — I’m independent. I work hard to support myself, and to be able to do the things that I want AND need to do. I pay my bills, I pay my taxes, I’ve started saving for a house and my retirement. I’ve covered the ‘independent adult’ bases, so to speak. I’M not worried about the rest falling in place — so why is it that so many others seem to be? I may not have a lot, but what I’ve got is mine. I’ve worked hard for it and I’m happy with what I have and where I am. Why can’t everyone else seem to be, too?

Life is funny sometimes

Life. It can be cold and cruel, overwhelming and incredibly beautiful. Sometimes in life, you’ll roll from one extreme to another (and through a seemingly endless variation of other ups and downs along the way), and sometimes you’ll find cruelty and amazing beauty acting in perfect harmony in one moment or series of events.

It’s funny how life works sometimes. How sometimes things that may seem so overwhelming or terrible at the time end up somehow blossoming into the most beautiful experiences, and how some of the most amazing moments I’ve encountered thus far in my life have somehow centered around some of the most painful experiences I’ve seen. It’s inspiring to see the strength and love in family and friends surface at exactly the moment when you need it most, but probably feel as though you least deserve it. And as I’ve gotten older, it’s been truly remarkable to see, feel and experience how something much larger than myself seems to guide us through the chaos that this world  and life seems to be.

It’s strange to look back at obstacles that have been overcome, maybe to see that things weren’t at all as bad as they may have seemed in that moment — or maybe that they were much worse than you had even realized at the time. It’s amazing to step back and look at how much things can change in just a few short months or years — and sometimes how things never seem to change at all.

There’s so much more that has been running through my mind that I want to tie in to this post, but I can’t seem to find the right words. With that, I’ll just leave this post as, “to be continued…”

Perspective.

Love, love, love this. ❤

Can ex’s be friends… and should they be?

My last serious boyfriend and I dated for six years. In that time, we experienced a lot of milestones and firsts together — college graduations, first jobs, promotions, second jobs, two major moves and some pretty heavy family and personal struggles.

After six years and so much history with him, I think it goes without saying that I was entirely devastated when we broke up. It took me a REALLY long time to get over that break up. I dated other people, but I was never really ready to open myself up to someone else so completely again. Until about a year ago. So what changed? When he and I broke up, we maintained contact. We lived in the same neighborhood (let me also add that we both lived 1500+ miles away from our families and most of our good friends) and had countless other personal and professional connections. Our breakup was messy and without getting into too many details, I’ll just say that while we both knew it was over, neither was willing (or able, really) to let it go. We kept seeing each other for months post-breakup and continued to be a shoulder for the other to lean on when they needed it.

After a few months of this up and down, back and forth craziness, I couldn’t take anymore. I stopped picking up the phone when he called, and didn’t return texts or emails. I felt like a little piece of my soul died every time I saw his name pop up on my computer screen or my cell phone, but I felt the exact same way each time I was with him, knowing that we were no longer together and that our feelings for one another had shifted. We didn’t see each other or speak for nearly three months (a momentous feat in such a small town). Another wrinkle in the situation: we had shared assets that we needed to figure out how to handle. Shared bank accounts, shared storage space and other items that we had acquired over the years that we had to sort through. As much as I didn’t want to, I HAD to see him at some point.

When I finally felt as though I had enough strength to sit through what was sure to be a lengthy conversation with my now ex (and once I knew my liver could again handle the excess amount of alcohol that would be necessary for this conversation, too), I finally picked up when he called and we made plans to meet up.

As I anticipated, our conversation was painful, incredibly lengthy and very, very drunk. The part of the conversation that I did NOT expect was when we both somehow decided that we wanted to try to be friends. (Looking back, I blame it on the multiple pints of delicious, dark beer — it gets me every single time). Both of us wanted to give it a shot, because through the hurt and confusion and anger, we still somehow cared for one another.

We continued to talk every now and again over the next several months and occasionally met after work for dinner or some drinks. At one point, I actually thought MAYBE we could make this friendship happen. Fast forward several months, countless conversations, some awkward encounters and a few major MAJOR fights and I had begun to question whether or not we could make this work… and moreover, why I wanted to. It was hard. It was painful and trying to maintain a friendship with my ex was making it almost impossible to completely get over the hurt and move on. I spent a lot of nights wide awake and thinking about countless questions. One seemed to always linger longer and ring louder than any other:

Can ex’s really be friends, and should they be?

If you truly care (or cared) for someone — especially someone that you were sleeping with — how does one simply push aside the romantic feelings that once existed to maintain a simply platonic relationship? Is it truly possible, or to many ex’s that maintain friendships simply mask those feelings that may still exist in some form? Can you ever move on and really invest your time and heart in someone new if you’re still holding on to a piece of a past relationship by maintaining a friendship with your ex? Is it fair to potential new partners? In trying to hold on to a friendship with an ex (or ex’s), are you being unfair to yourself?

Happy? Hold tight…

“Happiness will happen when you least expect it.”

These words are certainly not new to me. Especially as of late. I’ve been blessed with wonderful girlfriends who are willing to listen when I need someone to talk with, a shoulder to cry on or a sounding board when I feel like life has just thrown too much at me at once.

I recently had an amazing conversation with one of these wonderful women in my life and it really stuck — something that I thought was worth sharing. For anyone who hasn’t read previous posts, here’s a really quick and dirty rundown of what’s been happening lately. I moved (again) to a new city, solo this time. I started a new job (a brand new position with this company, which is the topic for a forthcoming blog post) and started dating again. None of this is bad news, per say, and for that I can say that I’m truly thankful. Still, I would be lying if I said that I didn’t feel entirely overwhelmed from time to time. Enter: fabulous friends to the rescue… and back to my point. I had recently been sharing stories of bad dates, work frustrations and just overall “whoa is me” frustration when my friend abruptly cut me off and told me to stop talking. While I don’t remember the EXACT words that came out of her mouth, she said something along the lines of:

“You’re trying too hard. You need to learn to just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride. It’s not always easy and it’s going to be bumpy, but that’s part of life and you just need to relax and roll with it. Happiness really will find you when you least expect it.”

I’m sure that’s not the first time someone has said something like this to me — and it may not even be the last. This time, it’s stuck and I have continued to think about how the rest of our conversation unfolded that evening. She was exactly right. I’m wasting time and energy over-thinking, stressing and holding on to frustrations about things that I may or may not be able to change. I was so busy focusing on the things that seemed to be wrong with life that I had forgotten to look at what was good.

I moved not because I had to, but because I wanted to — and I was thankful for my family, friends and others who helped make it possible. THEY make me happy. And I was thankful for that job that sometimes causes me frustration but allowed me to move back to the city that I have fallen in love with (it only took three years and two separate stints living here). I’ve found tremendous happiness and comfort in new, and sometimes very unexpected friends. Maybe I haven’t found a love to share this ever-evolving life with as of yet, but that’s OK. Dating is frustrating, and scary and often a little awkward, but it’s also pretty cool and exciting and full of happiness, if you just give it a shot.

So for now, here’s to learning to relax and just roll with it. And to trusting that happiness will truly find me (and you) when we least expect it. There’s a lot of good… a lot of love and a lot of happiness right in front of you, if you only take the time to open your eyes and your heart to it.

It’s OK to be a little selfish and undecided

… and DON’T ever feel bad or guilty about doing it.

Too often, I find myself comparing my life to others. Wishing that I had more than I do, or had done more than I have (so far) with my life. Sometimes feeling like a failure because of it. And when this happens, I always somehow find myself coming back to this and reminding myself that this is my time to keep discovering who I am and what I want in life. To try new things (like homebrew — I just finished my first batch this weekend!) and meet new people. To be entirely selfish with my time and to only worry about making myself happy. It’s really (and I mean REALLY difficult) to do this sometimes, but that’s OK and something that I’m always working to overcome.

It’s your life and you only get one. Do whatever YOU want with it. 🙂

What are you most thankful for?

Tell yourself everyday at least three things that you love about yourself. See what it does to your mental state, your mood and just your overall attitude and approach to life.

Think about all of the things you have to be thankful for, and not just all of the things your hurt by, angry about or discouraged by.

Try going an entire day without complaining  — not even about the weather or the empty coffee pot in the break room. Tough, right? It’s damn near impossible.

Making a conscious decision to look at the positive things in life – to focus on all of the good that surrounds us each day – is difficult, but will do amazing things for your overall well-being. I dare you to try it.

Today, I’m thankful for my family (even though I don’t always let them know it) and my friends. Life is busy and hectic and we get distracted and I’m blessed to have friends all over the country who still make the time to nurture relationships. I’m thankful for my job and all of the opportunity it provides, and for the beautiful apartment that I call home. It’s not my own, per say, but it’s cozy and safe and finally feels like home.

What are you most thankful for today?

 

Yes, I’m 27 and single.

I’m 27 and single. Yes, I’m dating but no one exclusively and certainly no one seriously. I don’t have any kids, and some days I’m unsure whether kids are totally in the cards for me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to get married and have kids, but as I’ve grown, moved and explored my independent adult life (while simultaneously learning first-hand just how sad and cruel this world can be sometimes), I’ve started to question myself.

 

Have I always wanted kids and marriage because that’s truly what I’ve wanted, or have I wanted babies and a husband because that’s what everyone expects and is the seemingly natural progression in life?

 

Don’t misunderstand – there are certainly days when I look at my married friends and dream of what my life might be like if I, too, were married. Or had kids. And then my reality comes back to light. Yes, I get lonely sometimes and wish I had more single friends (especially after a recent move to a new city, where my social circle was very, very small – and mostly married), but in my late twenties I’m also trying to embrace the freedom and excitement that this single time in my life brings. For the first time since college, I have the ability and the financial means to do as I please. A weekend in Vegas? Sure, I can make that happen. Too many margaritas with friends on a Tuesday night? Sure, that sounds good, too.

 

Here’s the frustration, though: friends and family seem to always ask (usually following questions, and sometimes, some gushing about how ‘carefree’ and ‘casual’ or ‘party-like’ my life may seem), “When are you going to settle down and get married?” or “Have you thought about online dating – you really deserve to find someone great.” Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore my friends and am so pleased to see so many of them have found wonderful husbands and wives and have started beautiful families – I have to be honest though, questions like those make me feel like I’m broken or doing something wrong. They make me feel like I’m somehow not worthy.

 

Why does this have to be the case? At this moment in my life, I haven’t decided whether or not kids and a husband are in the cards for me. Maybe the husband is, but kids aren’t. Maybe it’s the other way around.

 

Let me ask you this: If my journey is meant to be mine alone, is there anything wrong with that? What if I’m meant to work hard (maybe open my own business like I’ve always wanted), travel around the globe and simply enjoy this life and all the beauty it has to offer without a husband or babies?

 

Why is it that we seem to have come so far with acceptance for those who choose alternative lifestyles (religiously, sexually, or otherwise), yet somehow those (especially women) who decide that a ring and white picket fence may not be for them are still somehow looked at as less than, or broken?

 

Hey world, do me a favor: Don’t look at me with sad eyes the next time you ask if I’ve found a boyfriend yet and my reply is a quick, and often perky, “Nope!” or when you ask when I’m having babies and I say something along the lines of, “When your babies are old enough to babysit mine… if I ever decide that’s right.”

 

Every journey is unique. I’m not broken, and I’m just trying to enjoy this phase of mine as much as I can at this point. When did that become so seemingly wrong?

Love yourself, and be in love with the life you live.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been someone who as done what she was supposed to and hasn’t stirred up trouble. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had fun and found my share of mischief (who hasn’t) but I’ve never felt like I’ve truly been able to just throw my reservations and fear of doing the wrong thing to the wind and just see what happens. I’ve also spent a lot of time lately feeling unsatisfied and restless… like something is missing in my life. I’ve spent even more time (and anger and tears) trying to figure out how to remedy those feelings.

 

I may never have all of the answers, and I’m sure I’ll continue to stumble as I try to sort through things. But here is my pledge to myself as I continue to try: stop doing what others say you should, and stop comparing where you are in your life with where you thought you would be or where others are. Stop worrying so much about doing the wrong thing and focus on finding and doing whatever it is that makes your heart sing with joy. Spend time and effort on those who love you and quit wasting time and tears on those who simply aren’t worth it. Have fun. Drink too much. Stay up to late. Date the wrong guys. Make mistakes and learn lessons. And above all else, love yourself and be in love with your life.